Broken Heart by Carol Suzanne Niebuhr
I still remembered how I met this person for the first time. There was nothing special. Everything went by day by day just like ordinary day. My heart had been closed; at least that was what I believed in. I committed in my job. I fell in love with the job. I was personally not that into romantic relationship since broken heart could be so hard; I quoted from a song which I forgot the title. I still remembered how love was that kind of beautiful thing and I forgot to prepare the worst thing which might happen; broken heart which could make a creature called human like a zombie. Then it happened, love showed the cruellest side which I never imagined previously. My heart broke into pieces. Nothing left. The creature called girl brought everything and nothing remained but a hollow soul. It was not her fault indeed. I realized after passing through a goddamn hard moment that it was just a cycle of life. God not merely creates laugh, God creates tear as well. The thing was that I was, as a human being, sometimes not ready with the tear.
Enough of being a zombie, I unconsciously turned into a man with no commitment. Love was not an interesting thing. I really protected myself and I enjoyed it. Love was like a Martian. Then, relationship went by like every month. I accompanied those who were lonely, those who broke their heart so badly, and those who probably just needed a “friend” to have a chat and a shoulder to cry on. It was easy. It was me. When it was over, there was nothing called broken heart. I emphasized it certainly for I did not want to be the one who would be blamed leaving someone broken heart.
There I was, living a life with my friend s called it as “not normal”. Being criticized as a man who were afraid of taking risk was so usual. They did not know that what I did was really risky. However, they had mouth to say anything and I could not blame them. Life went on and on time after time. I still loved my job and I committed to it more than anything. It was my dream job and I would not give up my job to anything. Well, I worked in a travel agent: who would not like it? Travelling and being paid. Perfect, wasn’t it? Since I was keen on hiking and I learnt geology, I specialized to accompany foreigners to hike a mountain. It seemed like I got everything I needed. Everything was perfect.
Life was not interesting without a problem. Similar with the movie, the director had to create something interesting by creating conflicts and turning life point. There it was, I felt the turbulence. After staying so long in the comfort zone with the job and the girls, this ordinary person gradually turned into someone special. It was a coincidence that in fact we had some things in common. She worked earlier than I did. Like a movie plot, the story went on showing how interesting she was. I still remember that coffee united us in a way like a very close friend. I missed the moment when a chat was not boring; she was not boring and she brought a new fresh thing.
A day then turned into a week. The week turned into a month and so on. Without setting an alarmed, I let everything go so recklessly, so easily. I adored her if not crazy about her. She could speak anything; serous and trivia things. She could give comment with the latest celebrity divorce as well as the latest president policy. She would speak eagerly about conspiracy in Indonesia related to the certain policy as well as speak cynically about marriage. Yet, I had not been alarmed. I was drunk in love and admiration. Broken heart would turn you into a zombie but falling in love could make you the most idiot human being alive.
We spoke about family matter, we discussed dreams, we discussed God, we discussed favourite movie, and we even discussed the latest Radiohead album. I felt there was no limit talking to her and gradually this shallow stupid thought came across my mind; probably she was the one.
We committed to meet at least twice in a month. It was not always Saturday night and it did not always happen since sometimes she got the job or probably I got the job. We called anyway. It was alright even actually I wanted to hear her voice directly not from the box called a cell phone. I realized I demanded too much and it was bad. I knew the job since we worked in the same company. I loved my job still but she turned into something more interesting. Meeting her would be like drinking water out from the desert. She was more than my job. She was more than anything.
“Just say that you love her before it’s too late” said my friend. It was like a nightmare. So far, everything went well although without saying I love you or without addressing her as my girlfriend.
‘’It’s been a while you live in the state of ‘no commitment’ I think trying someone new will be good. You have to wake up. You don’t want to be old and lonely, do you?”
It was in early December if not at the end of November. We met and I was happy. We ordered coffee and some snacks as usual. We had a chat; talking about guiding and tourism objects. She told me about majestic and breathtaking Raja Ampat. She said that she requested personally to guide some foreigners to Raja Ampat and I thought how lucky she was. The story about diving, untouched beaches and some sort of things that even only happen in my mind burst into those magnificent story since going there was still in the list of plans. I was a new employee so that I had not got a privilege to request a job but she did. The jaw-dropping story flew smoothly until I did not realize that she asked me about my trip. She protested because she assumed that I was not listening.
“Your story was just so amazing that I couldn’t interrupt. I am listening. Don’t be like a child”
“Well, I accompanied 5 French people to hike Mount Semeru . We couldn’t reach the top of the mountain since the bad weather. I had assumed that but they were happy. The surprising moment was when i accompanied 4 German people to hike Mount Merapi, we got sunrise there. Those people were 40 something but they were still excited about it. “
“When will you invite me to hike with you?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah” she answered firmly. But the next words were so shocking. “Before I got married”
“You must be joking me. You once told me cynically about marriage and now you said you would get married.”
“It might be the best thing. I’ve never been so sure about it. Let’s forget about it. I just want you to accompany me to hike before I really go.”
My mind flew everywhere leaving me insecure.
“Do you love him?”
“How long are you with him and how come I don’t know about him”
“4 years, you are a nice friend to have a chat with, you are not like any other beastly bastard guys who just think about romantic relationship. I can talk to you about everything and I like the fact that you don’t care about commitment so I thought that it was okay to be your friend and you are really something. Are you upset about it?”
“Lemme digest what you have said. It was just so sudden. It is not about being upset. It’s just well it’s just surprising.” I know my expression changed and I tried to behave normally.
“I envy you as a man who can decide everything as you wish. It seems okay to a man getting marriage in whatsoever age but I realized that being a woman is not that simple. Indeed it is actually not relevant anymore for this day and age. The thing is that it happens to me. I have to decide and finally I decided to accept his proposal. It’s unfair really, we ever discussed it and we agreed that life had its own fairness.”
“I’ve even proposed letter of resignation today.”
“What?!! Now i’m really confused about it. You said you loved your job. How can you give up it?”
“I will go with him to Jakarta after married.”
Like a colourful screen, gradually it turned into a black and white colour. Then slowly, turned into white before it turned into totally black.
Days went by like ordinary days. The clock ticked lazily. It was a busy month guiding foreigners week by week sleeplessly. Nothing left indeed and drowning into job was the best way to temporarily move on. I took the day off finally and decided to hike a mountain alone. It was January 31st and it was her marriage there in a place called Sheraton. She gave me the invitation after we went back from hiking; it was mount Prau. She was innocently happy since we got the majestic sunrise. I chose the mountain since it was not too high. There were many couple as well.
Arriving at her home she gave me that invitation. “In case you forget. I’d be very delighted if you come.”
“Sure. I won’t forget the day.” we did farewell.
“Thank you for everything.” She stated with smile. I turned my face back. Then, she approached me and hugged me tenderly. I almost burst myself into tear.
“I’m happy for your marriage. See you my dear.” and those three sacred word which I tent to say randomly messed up. It’s not about being afraid but it’s about being unnecessary.
It was January 31st and it was her marriage. After texting her saying congratulation and saying sorry for not being able to attend, I packed my backpack and took a bus. A place that came across my mind was Mount Prau after all I would visit my parent who stayed close to the mountain.
February 1st; the sun magnificently rose above the sea of cloud.
February 2nd; broken heart was indeed painful but it was not something needed to vivify. I cried in the office bathroom for a second but after all life went on and on.
*the title was inspired by a brilliant song by Tom Odell; Another Love
Written By PW